Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
