On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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