You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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