I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
