Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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