I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
