Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
