apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The best revenge is premature balding
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
