the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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