nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hippo gnu deer
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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