i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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