not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
