you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
