I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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