Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
