whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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