I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
