So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have aggressive nipples.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
