i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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