...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
