Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
