you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
