Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
