They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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