dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
