the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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