Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
