Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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