cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
