he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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