Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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