Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
