I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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