we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
