Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
