whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
