So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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