I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
