new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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