In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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