i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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