dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
