You're so nebulous sometimes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is wine microwaveable?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize