we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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