I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
