I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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