Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Too much gin, very little bucket
zippers are such a cool invention
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
