I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
