The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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