worst night to have a conscience
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
